Moving.

Find me here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/mudita303/

I like how easy and pretty blogspot is. But I'm headed over to where friends and family live. Plus, for some reason I can't get the Knowledge or Help or Search pages to work here.

Thank you blogger, and good luck.

AGL

Black Cloud Fist is no match for Retail Therapy Style!

Woke up yesterday with the same black cloud that had been following me around the previous day all snuggled up and snoring next to me. Great. The old "I hate this life and I hate myself more," is rested and ready for another go-round. Somehow I never quite shook that inner 16 year old goth. http://www.insecurities.org/goth.html

SO of course it was a perfect time for VJEC to call from France (of course)! She's a dear, and in good spirits. There was a little drama around the WWOF farm that she's been working on this spring, resulting in her being sent down the road to another farm. She's so good at landing on her feet, and laughing off other's internal drama. And now she has had a few weeks of speaking nothing but French, which is why she went there in the first place. Being on the road for the last year has really relaxed her outlook, and so grumpy old me wasn't a big deal for anyone but me.

But you know how it is. You're grumpy. You're quite content being grumpy (at least until the coffee hits bottom, right?). Your sweetie calls. "Fuck," your inner grump says. "Now we've gotta be sunshine and rainbows and bunnies.... Fuck." Because the Black Cloud wants to be the Most-Important-Thing, wants to cover over the sky, absorb your attention and the attention of everyone you're near. But the Black Cloud also wants you to feel like a miserable creep for feeling cloudy, wants you to judge yourself because you can't or won't live up to external standards of conduct.

So you're in a bind: The Black Cloud wants to be the center of attention, but doesn't want anyone but you to know, so it'll "make" you act all flower-power and hummingbird and morning-Trance-at-sunrise-in-the-mountains. And THEN you'll feel even more lame and fake and that'll just cement the hold the Black Cloud has on your attention and self image. Fucking wonderful. http://www.nin.com/halo/08/index.html

Anyway VJEC calls with the latest news. She'll be back in the USA in a litle over a week. And all I can think of is the "talk" I feel like we need to have before she gets here. Without coffee, and with BC hanging out, all I could manage was a few grunts of conversation, and what (to me) sounded like a clumsy and too ominous preview of what's to come.

Honestly, I'm getting better at letting this kind of thing go. No really!

Anyway, after coffee mumber one and a small breakfast, Jodi knocked on my front door. So nice to welcome a friend. So welcome to get a hug. See, the best thing to combat a Black Cloud is the company of a good friend that knows all about your bullshit, and who still comes around anyway. Made eggs and toast and coffee for her, and with coffees two (me) and one (her) in hand, we were out in the sunshine and green grass and roses and cats and dogs of our back yard here in the Temescal watershed. The conversation had the desired effect and I managed to shake the Black Cloud! Whee! Then Jodi was on to her afternoon errands and I was off to shop for birthday presents.

An hour in Amoeba and an hour at Moes in Berkeley netted the following: "The Yage Letters" by Burroughs and Ginsberg, and "Swans are Dead" by Swans for Libby (co-Worker, Friend, Muse); "Rilkes Book of Hours: Love Letters to God" by Rainer Marie Rilke for Sarah (Cowgirl, Yogi, Sparring Partner); "Vertical Theory" by Haujobb, "Get Your Goat" by Shudder to Think, and "desperate youth, blood thirsty babes" by TV on the Radio for me (aspiring to selflessness one gift at a time). Not a bad take, and plus I got to feel pretty good about getting people gifts for their birthdays BEFORE they happened. Haven't been so good at that, ever.

Rode my bike to Royal for a celebratory coffee (three) and a muffin. The Cloud had gone to find someone else to bother. Beautiful sunshine, gentle air, EBRMC dudes looking hard and playing chess next to their flat black motorcycles, me in a baby blue tee-shirt with teddy bears on the front. Yeah. Manly and dark and sinister.

To which I say, "Black Cloud Fist is no match for Retail Therapy Style!"

Onward.

House of AAAA.

Came home to a candle light dinner. Andrea and Andy and Anthony enjoying each others' company over a nice plate of roast chicken, rice pilaf, spinach salad, finished bottle of wine on the table. I joined them and unwrapped the burrito that I'd picked up from Cactus on the way home from BART. Nice to have people over, and nice to shoot the breeze with those kids. Brought my mood up to the point that I could be social. Nice change from the feeling of wanting to shut my door and have this day just be over. Ahhhh.

The roses in our back yard have been insanely pretty and productive. The loquats are already showing too, as are the apricots and plums. It'll be nice to share the yard and a coffee with my friend. Jodi's coming over in the AM for coffee. I'll really enjoy seeing her, and then she'll be gone back to Chaing Mai in a couple of days. Life goes on and on and on. Allyn misses her, she misses him. And there's that little matter of pHd research and a neice to raise right.

Birthday shopping for Libby tomorrow. Taking a walk up Telegraph to all the bookstores, looking for the perfect title, hoping to find one that she hasn't read already. Maybe a biography or something. I'm not usually that good at remembering people's birthdays, nor am I practiced at giving gifts. I'm kind of proud of myself for remembering in time to do this one right, at least. How to say with a gift what can't really be said?

Mudita303 101

Last November I participated in my first silent meditation retreat. Ten days in the hills of Marin County California with nothing to do but sit on my cushon and soak in the Now and the Real; to experience and learn the Dharma by experiencing and learning about myself. Those ten days let me look deeply inside and quiet down the chatter in my mind.

I found that I actually know myself pretty well, and that I'm on the right path. Haven't managed to become a daily meditator or a serious student of the dharma just yet, but I'm headed that way. My heart's intention is aimed there, and what the heart intends, the heart manifests. The idea is to get out of the way and drop the stories...

Anyway, Mudita303?

Mudita is Joy, one of the four divine blessings - or Brahma Viharas - of Buddhist practice. The rest are Metta / Loving-kindness, Karuna / Compassion, and Upekkha / Equanimity. These also happen to be the names of the residence halls at Spirit Rock Meditiaton center. I stayed in the Mudita building.

303 is short for the Roland TB-303 Bassline, the absolutely essential element for Acid Techno. It also happens to my room number from the retreat.

So, Mudita303. Made me laugh for private reasons. Seemed like a good idea for an e-mail address, or a blog name.

So here we are seven months later, you and me and an oddly named blog bringing us together. Won't it be nice to spend some time getting to know one another?

There's more to tell, and plenty of time to tell it.

Peace,

AGL